As I opened our front door at continental apartments in Logan, she was sitting on the couch waiting for Trek to get ready. Man was she a beauty. Our eyes met and immediately I knew that even though she was going out with one of my best friends, she’d rather be with me. It was within a couple weeks I ran it by Trek. “Hey, are you still going out with Jill? If not, I’d like to ask her out.”  His reply was music, “go for it.”  I’m pretty sure I called her that night, her mom answered and Jill wasn’t home. I left a message and hoped I’d hear back soon. I couldn’t send her a text or hit her up on Facebook, no tweeting, no snapchat or Instagram. I had to sit and wait, in my apartment, for the phone to ring, the one attached to the wall, no xbox, no computer or iPad, just me, watching MTV, listening to George Michael telling me to have faith, gotta have faith. She eventually called back and that was it, game over, I was gonna marry this girl.

My buddy Tim McGraw wrote a little song that describes in some degree the beginning of our life together;

“The very first time her mother met me, Her green eyed girl had been a mother to be for two weeks.”

Jill’s eyes are actually brown, but the rest is accurate. I never met Jill’s parents until the night she told them she was pregnant. She called me and said to get over to her house, her parents wanted to have a “chat.” The first words I heard as I entered this home I’d never even been in, “Rod Gardner I should tan your hide!” That was the ice breaker from my future mother in law. As I reeled and contemplated heading for Mexico, Jerry stretched out his hand and said, “welcome to the family.” In the 28 years I’ve known Jerry he has never changed. He’s a rock, always extending a hand to those around him. It meant a lot to that punk 22 year old standing in his front room hoping for a little mercy. This wouldn’t be the last time I would feel love and support from Jerry and Janeal when I was absolutely deserving of none.

In the days ahead it was a crash course in getting to know each others family’s. I remember my Mom as well as my baby sisters, Julie and Annie, sitting me down to tell me how much they loved Jill, while my Dad just kept saying, “That poor little girl.” Things just seemed to move faster and faster. One night Jill and I stopped at 7-11 to get some drinks. Before I went in, she told me that her mom thought maybe we should just date until the baby was born and get to know each other better. You know, make sure we were right together. I wasn’t having any of that nonsense, we were getting married no question about it. I was so flustered by her mothers idea that I walked in and out of the store without paying for anything. I was beside myself and couldn’t believe the idea was even being entertained. I won that first battle, we set a date and started preparing. We’d be married inside of 4 months from the day we met.

What Jill and I had done was absolutely wrong and we both felt the guilt associated with going against our core beliefs. For every sinful act there is a consequence. Sometimes the consequences are immediate and some come later, but without a doubt they come. This is an eternal principle and we were feeling the effects. For my part, I ended up sitting in front of a counsel of 15 men, a church court, confessing my sin. It’s really pretty humiliating and part of me wanted to say; “hey, it’s none of your damn business.” But another part of me felt it needed to happen, (although now I see things a little different). At the time I welcomed whatever their decision was, I hoped it would help me move on and put the feelings of guilt behind me. I walked out of that meeting disfellowshipped from the church. I think I actually felt better, sorta like I’d offered up my pound of flesh and now I could move forward. The relief from guilt and shame was short lived though, for some reason I just couldn’t shake it off for good.

I remember that first panic attack like it was yesterday. We were laying on the floor in my future In-laws basement watching tv. All at once and out of nowhere I felt an overwhelming despair. Like someone just told me one of my parents had died, but with no identifiable cause. My initial reaction was to run, but where? I’m scared, but of what I have no idea. I’m paralyzed with fear of what’s going on in my brain. I can’t let Jill know, she’ll want to bail. It all just keeps feeding on itself and it’s crashing down on my head. My truck was right outside and I wanted to go home. Not to my apartment home, but to my home, home,  and my Mom. One problem, I was so freaked out I didn’t think I could drive, this all happened within about 10 minutes. I decided to call home. Dad you gotta come get me, I don’t know what’s going on but I can’t drive. My Dad showed up and drove me home, the embarrassment just fed the anxiety. Thus began my battle with anxiety, panic and depression.

When you start having these panic attacks it’s tough to get them under control. You don’t know where they are coming from and so how do you treat them? Sleep was the first thing to go for me. That very first night when my dad came to get me I didn’t sleep. When you don’t sleep you have more time to sit and analyze and that also feeds the problem. After 3 or 4 nights with very little sleep your brain is really starting to backfire, at least mine was. Fear of not sleeping created more anxiety which made sleep even more elusive. At this same time I was going to pre-natal doctor appointments with my bride to be and trying to help plan a wedding.

Advice on treating this new dimension of my life came from everywhere. Excercise was one that was brought up often. Before the pregnancy shocker I was lifting everyday, but now the desire was just gone. I love running now, but back then the only running I did was an occasional game of hoops. My older brother Darin and I were avid fly fishermen but that suddenly felt like a waste of time. We used to climb a little, actually him a lot and sometimes I’d tag along. After Jill was pregnant I remember leaning out off a cliff on a repel and for the first time ever I was scared. I pulled myself up and said to Darin, “I can’t do it” then hiked my way around and back down. It was weird losing the desire for the things I loved. Sleep seemed more and more like a distant memory and I started to note just a constant lingering gloom. I was depressed, anxious and confused but why, I was excited for this next part of my life to start.  I couldn’t understand where it was coming from. Maybe the things I was told at the church court were true. If I wasn’t vigilant, Satan would work extra hard to confuse me. My defenses would be down, the adversary would want to prevent me from coming back. After months of little sleep, loss of appetite, constant companionship of anxiety and now questioning my ability to step my game up, I started to believe it. The thought that all these feelings were a result of sin. That somehow Satan had singled me out to drop the hot hammer on.

Eventually I decided to give my former stake president, who had just been made a regional representative, a call. I’m not sure what I was hoping for or how he might be able to help. I honestly  think I was just reaching out for any relief I could find. If you’ve never been depressed, and I don’t mean just a little down and out, but 24/7 trying to make it to the next minute depressed, then you may not understand. I needed to shake this thing off and get ready to be a husband and father. I showed up at his house and we went to his office in the back and started to talk. He was genuinely concerned about me and wanted to know how I’d been since the church court. I relayed to him the feelings I had been having lately. I told him of the sleepless nights, the panic attacks, the depression and some of the crazy thoughts that came with all of it. I can’t recall exactly how he worded it, but he made it very clear to me that he thought an evil spirit was trying to possess me.  A demon, the devil, was jerking my chain and having a heyday with me and I had no way of repelling that force.  He said he felt I needed a special blessing. He laid his hands on my head, and cast out the devil. He actually commanded the devil to “depart,” not from the room, but from me!! When the blessing was over I felt worse, he was sure I’d feel better. He looked at me and commented on how powerful the blessing was. How he could feel a change in the room and that I should definitely feel a lot better. He felt it, I didn’t, something must be wrong with me I thought, and I wished I’d never called him.
I continued battling the panic attacks, insomnia and depression until the day we were married. I remember the first morning of our honeymoon actually waking up. I looked at Jill and said, “I slept!” Like I had achieved some great accomplishment. Over the next months the depression faded and the bouts of panic disappeared. Sleep became normal again as we settled into our new life together. Tyson was born and after a year they allowed me back into full fellowship in the church. For the most part I put it all behind me, but in the back of my mind I held on to this fear, what if it came back? The insomnia, the panic, the depression and unfortunately the thought that somehow Satan was behind it all. This type of unhealthy and irrational thinking, introduced to me by a well meaning leader would plague me for years to come.

With 30 years of distance between that day and now I can see it for what it was, a religious leader doing his best with the knowledge he’d been given. At the time however, it really did a number on my psyche. At 22 years old and fresh from a mission, my view of this man and his calling was influenced by my orthodoxed and very literal view of God’s chosen servants. He was called by God through inspiration to serve over me and others. He was God’s representative. He spoke truth. He was a role model. Successful in life and church. But he was wrong. The things I was experiencing had nothing to do with a battle between good and evil.   It took me many years to figure it out and make some sense of the whole experience.

At times, church leaders screw up and just plain get it wrong. Sometimes these mistakes of human fallibility don’t cause much harm. But at times they do. If you’ve been hurt or offended by a church leader, don’t let it keep you down. Keep showing up, pray for some peace, trust in the Lord, and start running…… a lot!!! Don’t place too much faith in places it doesn’t belong.

Something happened to me at the lowest point of my life and all the confusion of the past subsided. It was gone, the panic, the depression, the fear, all of it. My addiction to drugs was a result of many factors, but it was in fact fueled by this fear. When I found peace in that jail cell I knew I’d be ok. The fear left and with it everything else.  14 years ago I put all my eggs in one basket, and though I screw up daily I’ve been rescued from the insanity and addictions that ruled my life. Since placing my faith in the Savior and nobody else, I have never been let down.