It was sometime in April of 2003 while I was living in E-block of the old cache county jail. I made the collect call home to check in on Jill and the kids. I’d been sent back to jail after being kicked out of the halfway house for testing positive for OxyContin. The previous month and a half I’d been able to go home on the weekends but now those days were a distant memory. Drug addiction was still the great ruler of my life. Nothing was more important than the immediate, yet temporary escape of opiates and alcohol. That phone call home was hell.

Jill was crying as she said, “I’ve got to tell you something, I’m pregnant.” We both cried as the gravity of the whole mess caved in upon us. I was no doubt going to be incarcerated for a long time now that I’d blown my last chance and dropped a nuke on the only bridge back to life amongst the living. Jill was going to be a single mom raising 5 kids. To add to the shame, she was pregnant with her prodigal, drug loving, unemployed, incarcerated husbands child. It felt like the bottom of the bottomless pit for both of us. “Game over”, I thought as I collapsed on my bunk amidst all the other zombies in my cell.

I’ve told the story of the next 8 months of my life many times over since then. I found hope amongst the hopeless. Love in the presence of hate. Light forced out the darkness of the bottomed out pit. I grabbed a shovel and dug my way out. Scratch that, God handed me a shovel and showed me the way out. It was a lot of work but I was willing to put in the time with my new found guide. No longer was I doing “hard time”, it was the “best” time I’ve ever done.

I went from wondering if I’d ever know that baby growing inside of Jill, to becoming a man willing to do whatever it takes. I prayed and worked like only a miracle would do. If you’re gonna pray for a miracle, you better be willing to put in the work. Andi Isabel was just the miracle I needed.

She pushed me to be better before I’d ever seen her face.

She’d never know life with an addicted father.

She would bring with her my “best days.”

She needed me to be a miracle for her.

She inspired me like the words of a perfect song:

“I’ve always said that I believe anything can happen

But lately I’ve been wondering if that’s really true

For a while life can be a lovely dance

But suddenly the music can fade

Leave a man alone and dreamless until he only sees

That he’s used up all his chances after all

Until now only a miracle could do, to save the man I’ve turned into

Won’t somebody let me know, where’s my miracle

I could see the face of someone I believed, but only in the words of a song

Then she came along and got me dreaming

That’s when you began

And when I held you, I held a miracle in my hand

Til now only a miracle could do

I’ve found the man I was in you

You’ve come to let me know, there are miracles

What I’ve finally found in you

I’ve gotta let you know

I believe again

Miracles can happen in the end.”

I was released on December 7th. You were born a week later on the 14th. Miracle? I think so.

I remember the summer after you were born. We were at a family reunion and everyone was sitting around talking. It was getting past your bed time. I quietly took you and headed for the tent. I was on my back looking through the mesh roof of the tent with you lying on my chest. As I gazed past the stars and into the heavens with my 6 month old miracle on my chest, my life was made. I closed my eyes and said, “Thank-you God, this is my best day.”

Happy 16. Mom and I love you so much. Thanks for choosing us.