Commanded to teach and testify of Jesus.

He was born of Mary in Bethlehem of Judaea, who dealt and preached in Palestine, who healed the sick, opened the blind eyes and caused the lame to leap. Who silenced the storms and walked on the waters. Who commanded the tomb encased corps to come forth and it was so. Who was condemned, scourged and crucified. Who died between two thieves at a place called Calvary. Who came forth from a borrowed grave on the third day in glorious immortality. That this Jesus, who is both Christ and king is in fact the son of the living God.

Sometime in 1985 I wrote down on a 3X5 card those words regarding the life and mission of Jesus. It was presented to me as a challenge to always focus my individual ministry on him. I carried it with me throughout my mission and often referred back to it when I felt my proselytizing might have been a little weak or misguided. At a young age I felt a conviction of the words on the card, really as long as I can remember. I’ve never felt the same conviction about other religious principles or dogmas. It seems I always circle back to one testimony, my complete hope and faith that Jesus is who he said he was.

I’m a sinner. These words rang over and over in my head as I drowned in the misery and unbearable pain of my life. With desperate purpose I kept trying to connect with anyone from the heavens. Was anyone listening or was I speaking words in my mind that simply weren’t going anywhere. If they were being heard did anyone care? Mom, Jesus, mother Mary, Grandpa, Grandma, God the Father, is anyone there? For weeks I kept trying, only to get lost in the fog of unrepentant sin beating me down and reminding me of my nothingness. I’m a sinner, I’m a sinner, I’m a sinner! I cry as I type these words and remember, even touch the pain I felt 17+ years in the past. It’s a pain that quickly gets replaced with gratitude. Gratitude for being heard, loved, forgiven, saved. It’s almost as if the savior was talking to me when he said, “today you shall be with me in paradise.” Physically I was in a cell with a towel wrapped around my head but spiritually I was indeed with him.

During this most recent 9 month “lockdown,” I’ve recommitted myself to learning more about this man Jesus who I believe rescued me in my sin. I’ve studied his words, with a focus on the ones he actually spoke as quoted by the authors of the gospels. I’ve studied some of Paul’s letters and the books of the New Testament that contain them. A lot of this study has been on the side of the road while I’m running. It’s amazing what we can learn from these stupid little rectangles we all pack around with us everywhere we go. You can have the scriptures read to you while you run, while you meditate with movement. The more I learn, the more I’m convicted. I’m a sinner, my only chance is Jesus. This realization has deepened my love for him, my total dependence on him, without him I’m done, end of story, I won’t make it home, it’s impossible according to scripture for me to get there no matter how straight I walk. I will fail, but he did not. As I accept my fate as a sinful creature who is mostly self serving while at the same time understanding I’m perfected in and through him alone, my love grows. I love my wife, I must love Jesus more. Without him there is no me and Jill forever. He must always remain my true love in order for me to love my wife, children, grandchildren fully. He’s the basket where all my eggs must stay.

A rich man once asked Jesus, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?” At first Jesus recited some of the law, the commandments. The rich man replied, “I have kept the law since I was a boy.” Jesus then went on to tell him he was still lacking one thing, he must sell everything he had and follow him. This troubled the rich man and made him sad. Jesus went on to tell him, “it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of god.” This wasn’t some metaphor or allegory about anything other than what Jesus actually said. He was telling the man it was impossible. Others around confirmed this impossibility by asking, “who then can be saved?” Jesus’ answer also confirms the human impossibility when he says, “what is impossible with man, is possible with God.” I’m convicted, I’m a sinner, it’s impossible for me, on my own merits, to enter the kingdom of God. Growing up I learned the idea of different degrees of sin. Yes, the consequences of some sinful behavior is much more lasting or permanent than others. However, the scriptures are full of verses speaking of absolutely no sinful thing entering the kingdom of God. Since we all sin, we are all stuck with that camel in the barren desert of sin and desolation. All of us. Everyone. It’s an impossible task to return to Gods presence. It can’t be done by any of us mere mortals. The most sinless amongst us still would fail if it wasn’t for grace and mercy. I’m a sinner. I can’t do it. Neither can you.

The name Barabbas means, “son of a father.” When Pilate decided he had no real reason to condemn Jesus, he turned it over to the will of the people. “Shall I release Barabbas? Or shall I release Jesus of Nazareth?” The people chose compassion on the sinner, Barabbas, ‘the son of a father’ over Jesus, ‘the son of God.’ With Barabbas being released, Christ was sent to Golgotha. As he hung on the cross, between two more sinners, one of the men must have felt convicted of his sin and took a shot at some death bed repentance. He said, “master, please don’t forget me.” This thief must have done some horrible things to end up hanging on a cross. Yet when he turned to the Lord and asked forgiveness, it was immediate. The savior of the world said to him, “today you will be with me in paradise.” The other sinner hanging next to Jesus wasn’t yet ready to repent. All he could say was, “if you are the son of God save us from death, save yourself from death.” Little did he know, the son of God doesn’t save himself, he saves everyone else. Jesus was doing exactly that, saving the thieves, Barabbas, me, you and everyone else from eternal death.

I’ve done things in my life that convincingly seal my fate as a sinner. I’ve repented again and again because honestly, the thought of some of those misdeeds of my past buckle me over in shame. However, the shame is quickly replaced with gratitude, love, admiration and worship for a God that I am certain knows me, loves me and saved me, when no person, place or institution could. “I know that my redeemer lives, what comfort this sweet sentence gives.” I also know that I will, as the son of a mere man, continue falling short. But, The Son of God did not fall short. I believed it in 1985 and I still believe it today.

That belief is my hope.