April 15 2003. I relapsed again, another strip search and off to the holding cell at the half way house that was my temporary home. As I sat waiting to go back to jail, marinating in the self inflicted misery that was my life, I looked back on the last few years. From opiate addiction to alcoholism, and back to opiates. Jail, 4 rehabs, losing my professional license, selling the practice, felonies, prison, excommunication, Mom’s death, and now probably going back to the point of the mountain for an extended stay. 2 days later Im back at cache county jail waiting to go back in front of the judge, it wouldn’t be good.

                Back in jail, drinking instant coffee non stop, the sweet burn in my lip from my new found love of chewing tobacco. Yes, the stuff brought in by whatever means necessary to hide it from the deputies. I stop to look back on my life again and how its changed. The mission, temple marriage, dental school, church, beautiful children, thriving practice, and now here I sit, ex’d, drinking coffee and chewing kiestered tobacco, surely the spirit would come nowhere near me now.
                  The despair of my wife starting the divorce process was too great. When they dropped the razors off in the morning I took one apart, stuck the blade in my shoe and flushed the plastic. That night I held the blade to my wrist, I was too afraid of the pain, I couldn’t do it.                                                         Eventually I reached out to God like never before. I begged him day after day after day to help me, just find peace with my life as it was unfolding before me. That’s it, just peace.
                     At first my prayers were very secret, didn’t want the other inmates to know. I would lay in my bunk with a towel wrapped around my head to block out the light and noise. I would become distracted very easy and the prayer would end. I would start again. Over and over throughout the day, just searching for some peace. Eventually I could say a complete, heartfelt prayer without being distracted, and I started to feel it, peace.
When I was transferred to a new block, my prayers were full of gratitude. I was now in a cell with 5 other inmates, instead of the dormitory cell before that housed about 40. I began kneeling in prayer. Meditation was also becoming an important part of my day. One night as I knelt by my bunk and started to pray I felt my bed move, no it wasn’t a heavenly messenger, it was one of my cellmates kneeling next to me. I cried and thanked God for the experience. The next day this young man says to me, “hey doc, I knelt by you last night but I don’t know what Im doing, can you teach me how to pray?” We prayed together every night after that. Eventually 3 or 4 of us would pray together.

                 Over the next couple months I felt peace replace fear. Hope took the place of despair. My connection to God, replaced my connection to drugs. I was free, while incarcerated. This God was and is different from the one I grew up with. He loved me and would comfort and inspire me even when I had been drinking coffee all day and had a lip full of dip. Who knew? You can feel the spirit while under the influence of those game changers. I felt closer to God in those days than I ever have anywhere else.
               My wife stuck it out with me, She’s the 2nd biggest reason I have been clean and sober since April 2003. We now get to go back to jail and share our story every thursday night. This is my first Vision story.