“Someday, god willing, this will be the greatest blessing of your life. Your heart will be full of gratitude as this deadly weakness becomes the strength that defines and guides all that you do.”

Richard was speaking again and I was listening but I just couldn’t ever imagine addiction being flipped into a blessing. He filled my head with nuggets of information that are burned into my hard drive. When you’ve pretty much lost everything and you’re on your second last chance at the halfway house you either give up and shit your life away or you find strength you never knew you had and you fight like your very life depends on it,,,,,,because it does.

My phone buzzed just now while I’m writing. It was Derek. Derek is one of the many blessings of my addiction and I told him so. If I’d never been addicted, I wouldn’t have been blessed with the experience of incarceration. I wouldn’t have been blessed with a desire to return and serve in the temple of the walking dead. I wouldn’t have met my brother Derek and many others. My mind would be full of blind spots that would allow me to just walk away from these “losers” and write them off like so many others do. Empathy for criminals would have seemed silly, insane. Addiction, thank you.

I wouldn’t be a runner. I love running, scratch that, I don’t love running but I love what running does for me. I call it my moving meditation. About 20 minutes in, the volume in my conscious mind decreases as the “no mind” volume gets turned up. Problems find solutions, questions get answered, gratitude takes over. I’ve got everything I need. Air in my lungs, a solid muscle pounding in my chest, the love of a beautiful woman, children, grandchildren and a pillow to lay my head on at night. Blessed beyond belief. My eyes can see, my ears can hear, my nose can smell, my legs, (I’ve got two) work. My feet hurt, but who cares, I sweat like a pig, I’m alive!! Addiction, thank you.

Before addiction, prayer was a hoop I jumped through before a meeting, after a meeting, before dinner, and at times before I fell asleep. It was something I was suppose to do because, well, just do it. Addiction flipped prayer to an excersize in gratitude. A time to count my blessings, quit asking for stuff, count blessings, right here, right now, in this cell, in the county jail. Amazingly, as I counted repeatedly each and every day, the list of blessings grew, even while locked in a cage. Addiction, thank you

Complacency is a path back to the thinking errors that got me addicted. Working the 12 steps isn’t a “one and done” proposal. To thrive and not just survive post addiction, these steps must become part of the daily process. Always strive to choose purpose over pleasure. The uneasiness that is always present can push me to become more if I treat it with purposeful action instead of pleasure seeking to mask it. I’ll never “arrive” and if I start thinking I’ve “arrived” Then I’m just backpedaling. If Eternal progression is a thing then start now, it doesn’t start when you’re dead. It starts today and the next day and the next. Progress, eternally, right here today, right now. Addiction, thank you.